Winner

Commenter #1 on the previous post has random.org to thank for her new copy of What He's Poised to Do. Cheryl, you're the giveaway winner!

Letters with Character

So, lately this blog has become primarily a book blog! I don't mind, do you? I think most of my readers are...readers! Anyway, I'm here today with some more book news and another giveaway!

Yesterday, I learned of a new campaign from Harper Perennial that combines two of my very favorite things: letters (or letter-writing) and books! To celebrate publication of Ben Greenman's What He's Poised to Do, Harper Perennial launched Letters With Character: An Interactive Literary Environment. The idea is to write a letter to a fictional book character. Anyone from literature that you'd love to introduce yourself to, or that you have a bone to pick with, or just have some things to say to. Isn't that a cool idea? I know there's a fair share of book characters who really stuck with me after I finished their story and I think this would be a really cool exercise.

So, read on for all the details on how to submit your letter to the project. And, if you leave me a comment telling me what character you'd write to, I'll enter you in a chance to win a copy of Greenman's book. (Big thanks to Amy at Harper Perennial for offering to give both me and one lucky reader a copy of this book of short stories!) Deadline for the giveaway is midnight on Friday, May 21, 2010.

OK, read the full project description below. I'm off to think about who I'd write to (kids lit counts too!) ;-)

Harper Perennial presents

LETTERS WITH CHARACTER

An Interactive Literary Environment

On the occasion of the publication of Ben Greenman’s What He’s Poised to Do (Harper Perennial, On Sale: June 15, 2010) we invite you to celebrate the art of correspondence and WRITE A LETTER TO A FAMOUS FICTIONAL CHARACTER

Before there was any fiction at all, there were letters. For centuries, letters were the only way for people in different locations to communicate with each other. But letters have also become a rich and complex element of the best literary fiction. The acclaimed author Ben Greenman explores how letters function in life, as well as how they function in fiction in his new collection of inter-linked stories What He's Poised to Do.

"Ben Greenman's masterwork of stories inspired by letters offers
fresh insight into the mysteries of intimacy."

--Simon Van Booy.

On the occasion of the book's publication, and in celebration of the art of the letter as a form of fiction, Harper Perennial invites you to participate in its Letters With Character campaign, and to write a letter to a fictional character. The letters can be funny, sad, demanding, fanciful, declarative, or trivial. They can be about a novel, a short story, or a children's book, works both literary or popular. There is only one requirement: They must be written by a real person and must also address an unreal one.

The best, most interesting, strangest, and most moving letters will be collected on LettersWithCharacter.blogspot.com.Visit the site to see a selection of those that have already been written: a romantic appeal to Captain Ahab, a moving consideration of middle age addressed to a Garcia Marquez heroine, a hilarious challenge to Agatha Christie's famed detective Hercule Poirot.

And feel free to submit your own letters to LettersWithCharacter@gmail.com

Review: The Queen of Palmyra

The Queen of Palmyra is a dark, beautiful new novel exploring the segregated society of Mississippi in 1963 through the eyes of an eleven year-old girl. With the tensions and emotions of the civil rights movement as a backdrop, author Minrose Gwin situates her main character Florence in the middle of racial conflict, constructing a story that is quite tense and emotional itself.

In the summer of her eleventh year, Florence Forrest is trying to make sense of the battery of contradictory information coming at her from the influential people in her life. Her liberal, educated mother, who drags Florence along on her late night trips to the bootlegger. Her stoic "traditional" father, who has his own secret nighttime activities which her mother opposes. Her kind grandparents who disapprove of their daughter's choice in marrying her high school sweetheart. Zenie, her grandparents' longtime maid. And, the force to be reckoned with: Eva Greene.

After spending "a year on the lam", moving from city to city as her father sought and failed to hold onto jobs, Florence and her parents have now returned to Millwood, Mississippi. Her father secures a job as a burial insurance salesman and her mother creates an at-home business baking cakes. Florence lost touch with her classmates after the move, and is virtually friendless. When not helping her mother with cakes, Florence spends considerable time at her grandparents' house, under the care of Zenie. However, when her mother flees her family, Florence spends most of her time at Zenie's house, in the black part of town called Shake Rag. It is here that Florence meets the dynamic, exotic, and life-changing Eva Greene, Zenie's niece, a college student visiting for the summer.

Together, Zenie and Eva become almost stand-in mothers for Florence, attempting to teach her how the world really is, while also tutoring her lagging academic progress. As she moves uncomfortably between her two worlds, never really fitting in to either one, Florence slowly recognizes the growing conflict surrounding her father's mysterious late night meetings, and the pivotal role that Eva plays in this conflict.

The isolation, anxiety and escapism of the novel come to a violent climax that takes years for Florence to fully understand. Readers won't realize it until later, but the novel opens with a bit of explanation for why she was so slow to realize the truth:

I need you to understand how ordinary it all was. At night the phone would ring after supper. My father would say a few quiet words into the receiver. Sometimes he spoke in numbers. A three he would say. Or a four. When he put down the phone he'd turn and look right at me. There would be a strange pleasure in his look, a gladness. he would ask me to perform this one small task; he'd tell me to go fetch him his box. (1)

And after her adult realization of what her father was and what transpired that summer, Florence has a heartbreaking understanding of why it took her so long:

How he did that thing I couldn't see, didn't see. A willed, necessary blindness. True stories happen, and then you tell them. But what you tell depends on what you see. And what you see depends on what you know. (381)

It's a beautiful description of what Florence experienced, and a very moving portion of the book. Florence's emotional and intellectual selves certainly undergo major shifts during that crucial summer, but huge developments are also made years later as she is standing in front of her English grammar students. This is what makes The Queen of Palmyra a true and unique coming-of-age story, one almost on par with To Kill a Mockingbird.

{This review is based on the uncorrected proof . Quotations and page numbers may differ from the final published version.}

Tug-of-War

I'm a mother of two now. And a neglectful blogger, though I can't imagine a better reason than this happy girl!

But, as a matter of fact, this blog is not the only thing suffering my neglect these days. The dog. The dishes. The laundry. The pile of books to read. The husband. And, at any given moment one or the other or both of my kids. (It is so weird to put an 's' at the end of that word!) I've come to the realization that mothering more than one child means that no matter what you are doing, you are pissing off one or the other of your children. And, you can just forget about yourself completely! You know the saying, "You can't please all the people all the time"? Well, it should be revised to, "You can't please all the people...EVER"!!!

It's like a continual game of tug-of-war. Take today:

C heard about a bike ride test-driving some new mountain bikes and he leapt at the chance. So, he's happy. J on the other hand, has recently learned that the word 'weekend' means Daddy is home, which typically equates to a trip to Starbucks for a a chocolate milk and a donut, and spends the morning randomly crying out, "Why Daddy is on the bike path? I want him." He is not happy.

I am not happy because I awoke to a kitchen full of dirty dishes. With a three year-old asking for Captain Crunch (which we don't even have) and a two month-old cradled in my arms, there's no chance that I can clean it up a bit before getting breakfast going. So I unhappily move the dirty dishes around, clear a 6-inch by 6-inch space off the kitchen table and set down a bowl of yogurt for J. Immediately, he drops a glob of yogurt on his shirt. He is not happy. The shirt must come off. Any slight stain or even a drop of water necessitates a wardrobe change for this kid.

Now N is not happy because the first of her many nursing sessions of the day has been interrupted by big brother.

Fast forward an hour and a half. N is still nursing and J has exhausted his capability for independent play. "Where are we going? Want to go somewhere?" C won't be home for another hour and he took the good car.

J's second favorite thing after going places is snacking. So, he launches into whining that he wants "a snack". No hint as to what he wants. He expects me to go into a detailed and complete list of everything we have, which he will briefly consider before saying, "No. Something else."

When none of our slim pickings will do, he remembers that if he pees on the potty he can have three chocolate chips. N protests as I plop her into her swing and herd J into the bathroom.

After that's taken care of, C comes home and offers to make lunch. J's exuberant mood at going potty turns on a dime and he shouts that he doesn't want lunch, he wants "a snack". C and I give him exaggerated and forceful "Shhh's" because N is finally napping.

Napping is another battleground. I savor the hour and a half that J naps. He's much happier after a nap, but is in denial of that fact. So, he begs and fights and stalls and we end up cajoling and making bargains. Today, no amount of cajoling on C's part could get J to sleep. I tried to nap while they bickered about glasses of milk, trips to the potty, and what time J could get up. In the end, C drifted off and J ended up playing in the basement while I changed an explosive poo diaper. Pretty clear here who's happy and who's not, right?

Rather than taking you through the continuing give and take of our afternoon, suffice it to say that it involved car naps, J sporadically singing, "I'm wearing a Pull-Up!", and canceling our dinner plans with friends.

Lest you think I am a horrible, grumpy, ungrateful mother, I assure you that there are moments of pure joy throughout our days. My favorite right now are the times that N is content on my lap looking up at me when she catches sight of J and breaks into a wide, crinkly-nose smile. J's face lights up as he grins right back and says something sweet and cute like, "Mama, look! Her happy face! I think she really likes me!"

It doesn't get much better than that.

Writer Mama News

I'm pleased to share with you some news from Writer Mama, Christina Katz. Remember when she stopped by here during her marathon blog tour last year? Turns out that experience led right into Christina's next project. The 31 blog posts from that tour, and their ensuing questions and comments have been compiled into her newest book, Author Mama. Read about it below, and check out the amazing deal she's offering to early readers during the month of April.

Her first book, Writer Mama, is chock-full of the necessary info and advice on beginning a writing career. Author Mama is sure to be just as informative, helpful and motivating.

I'm anxious to read my copy, especially because the lovely Christina Katz dedicated it to the bloggers who participated in her blog tour... myself included! How cool is that?! Check out what Christina has to say about it:

Have you ever considered writing a book?

Have you ever wondered if you have what it takes to become a published author?

What would the process be like?

What are the steps?

What do publishers do for authors?

How long would it take from start to finish?

Can you make any decent money?

Should you self-publish or traditionally publish?

Now you can find out the answers to these questions and more when you order a copy of my new e-book, Author Mama, right here.

In Author Mama, I share my personal experience walking through the traditional book-deal process and book-writing experience and offer tips along the way, addressing common myths and challenging writers to get ready for the marathon that is writing a book.

During the month of April 2010, be a first reader of Author Mama at the introductory price of $5.99. I will personally deliver your e-book to you. Simply click on the Paypal purchase button and follow the instructions. Upon completion of your payment, Author Mama will be sent to your e-mail inbox.

Author Mama is a 135-page e-book in Beta, or trial, version. The Alpha, or updated, version is coming May 1, 2010. Everyone who purchases the Beta version at the low-low price of $5.99 and fills out and submits a feedback form (sent to you with the e-book) will receive the Alpha version automatically upon publication in May.

I appreciate your willingness to participate in my first e-book launch. I hope you enjoy reading Author Mama! Visit http://christinakatz.com/purchase-author-mama/ to get your copy.

We Have a Winner

Thanks, all, for participating in the giveaway for It All Changed in an Instant. Commenter #8 (Sasha) was the lucky winner.

Thanks, too, to HarperPerennial for setting me up with a copy of the book to give away. There will be more in the near future, so please hang around!

Book Giveaway!

Sorry, I promised a book giveaway months ago and here it finally is!

It All Changed in an Instant is a collection of six-word memoirs, penned by authors known and unknown. Some of the more famous who stepped up to this daunting task include: Sarah Silverman, Neil Patrick Harris, Suze Orman, and Tony Hawk. The biographical blurbs are honest, open and run the spectrum of serious to hilarious to poignant and inspiring. All wrapped up into one book, it's an easy, enjoyable read and fun to just flip through and read aloud with someone.

Here are a few that made me laugh:

The miserable childhood leads to royalties. Frank McCourt

Normal person becomes psychotic on Twitter. Robin Slick

She left me for the librarian. Chris Clark

And a few that gave me pause:

Never second guessed my own instincts. Shepard Fairey

I've done it all except hear. Marlee Matlin

With deep roots, branches soar skywards. Jonathan Blum

Only I define who I am. Montel Williams

Former boss: "Writing's your worst skill!" Amy Tan

Leave a comment to be entered in the giveaway. I'll draw a winner in two weeks: Friday, April 9th.

Oh, and you can submit your own six-word memoirs at www.SmithMag.net

Book Review: The Believers

With biting wit and beautifully intelligent prose, Zoe Heller has created an unforgettable cast of characters in The Believers. The story encompasses the Litvinoff family, headed by Joel and Audrey after forty years of marriage. Joel is a high-profile New York lawyer who suffers a stroke in the courtroom and is left comatose. Audrey handles the shock, as she does everything in life, with a cool composure and a stinging British tongue. Their children: Rosa, Karla and Lenny are each in the midst of their own personal dramas. Rosa, a political activist, is trying to reconcile her leftist views with a newfound desire to embrace her roots in Judaism, much to her mother's horror. Karla, a social worker, and her husband Mike are just beginning the adoption process when she finds herself falling in love with the man who runs the newspaper shop at the hospital. Lenny, the beloved adopted son, doted on by Audrey, is struggling yet again with heroin addiction.

Heller's writing slices open the complicated roles and relationships among the family when a secret about Joel's past is uncovered. Character development is definitely the strong suit here, as readers get to know the Litvinoffs in the context of their familial roles, which contrast, often very sharply, with the personas we see develop in other social contexts throughout the novel. The family dynamic and its many confrontations often give the reader the feeling they are witnessing a train wreck, unable to avert their eyes. As the novel progresses, Heller brings to light the many dichotomies present in the Litvinoffs' lives: liberal vs. conservative; atheism vs. religiousness; rich vs. poor, while also exploring where each individual falls on the continuum of ideals such as honesty, trust, faithfulness, love and self-respect.

Though critics have said that The Believers is filled with unlovable--even unlikable--characters, it is a very real book about family. And that, I believe, is worthwhile.

Next up for review, I have several choices:

Mornings with Mailer

It All Changed in an Instant

The Queen of Palmyra

Stay tuned!

No-Sew Fabric Crafts

Maybe I'm nesting, because I've been feeling crafty lately. Either that, or my subconscious knows I won't have any craft time for awhile!! I've been making some more flannel pieces for J's board and also for a friend's birthday gift.

I was really surprised to see what flannel board sets are going for on Etsy. Some seemed kinda pricey!

I want to keep making some more flannels, particularly the train pieces from Donald Crews' Freight Train, and also some firemen and firetrucks. Maybe some seasonal stuff too, like shamrocks and leprechauns and Easter eggs.

I'm thinking my next no-sew crafts will come from this book I found at the library: 100+ No-Sew Fabric Crafts for Kids. It has the cutest things in it--and all the templates to make them. All the projects are meant to be done using Fast2Fuse fabric. Does anyone have any experience with this stuff? I've never heard of it, but apparently it's very simple to use.

Suggestions? Inspirations?

Car Seat Quandary

Cultivating Confidence

Confidence isn't a trait I've thought much about in relation to my three-year-old. I imagined that would come into play more when he starts school or joins a sports team. But, then I saw this article on PBS Parents and something clicked. Without fully realizing it, I've been noticing some changes in J lately that basically boil down to confidence. (Read the article here.)

If you follow me on Twitter, you've seen the updates about what a boisterous, energetic and happy guy we have. He's articulate, very social, and wakes up most days asking where we are going to go.

Seeking a way to release some of this energy, I signed him up for a trial class at The Little Gym. He's always running, jumping, climbing, bouncing and dancing all over the house and the furniture, so I knew this was right up his alley. Surprisingly, though, he cried and clung to me for the first half of the class. It's the preschool class, so parents were supposed to sit outside and watch through the glass wall. I wasn't granted that luxury though, and spent 30 minutes on the floor of the gym with him clutching and clawing at my neck every time a teacher approached him and asked if he was ready to join in.

At about the halfway point, he shut off the waterworks just like that and said he was ready to do some climbing and jumping. I walked him over and, sure enough, he was more than ready to let loose! He ran and tumbled and danced his face red over the next half hour.

This is where that article comes in. One of the pointers is: Let Your Kids Grow in Their Own Time. The author goes on to say that nothing hurts confidence more than being pushed to do something you're not ready to do.

So, I guess I did a good thing by letting J sit with me, observe, and then make his own decision on when and if to join in. I didn't push him, but I didn't pack him up and leave either; I left the choices to him.

With that experience, I think both of us got a little boost to our self-confidence! He's been talking about gym class a lot and says he wants to go back. I had the encouragement of seeing one of my parental decisions being very successful. Which will give me the confidence to follow another piece of the article's advice: Trust Your Own Intuition.

I'll leave you with a little song from The Sound of Music that popped into my head as I was writing this:

I have confidence in sunshine,

I have confidence in rain.

I have confidence that Spring will come again;

Besides which, you see, I have confidence in me!

Happy~Ness

A blogger I read and admire, Abigail Green of Diary of a New Mom, has tagged me with the "Sweet Friend" Award and asked me to post 10 Things That Make Me Happy. How could I refuse? A new year began 26 days ago and here is my first post! But, I think it's a perfect "first of the year" post.

1. My Family--I'd be crazy not to put my family at the top of my list. They are by far the biggest source of happiness in my life. Although I've posted my fair share of mama woes and toddler troubles, I've never experienced such happiness and awe as I do when I'm with J. My husband is happy and funny, a great partner; my parents live near and are supportive; my younger brothers, though they don't always "get" my life as a wife, mother, professional, are around and involved; AND, I have four living grandparents! Life has been good to me in the family department, and I do realize it often.

2. Reading--I've always been a reader, and although it's harder and harder these days to find the time, thankfully I still am. I just finished The Help, which I loved and will be recommending for quite some time. Currently, I'm reading two books for the two book groups I'm involved in: Keeping Faith by Jodi Picoult and Teacher Man by Frank McCourt. (I bet you can guess which one is for the retirement community book group!)

Next on my to-read list is probably The Happiness Project, which fits in perfectly with this meme. The author summarizes it as "a memoir of the year I spent test-driving the wisdom of the ages, the current scientific studies, and the lessons from popular culture about how to be happy". Check out her blog, which is one of the happiness experiments she conducted while writing the book. It's energizing and inspiring.

I love to write and talk about books, and I have another book giveaway (or two) coming up soon. Please stay tuned for those!

3. Nature--Nature was a big part of my upbringing. My parents "made" us spend lots of time outside, took us to metro parks all the time, and planned vacations around nature attractions and activities. I feel happy and enjoy myself when I'm outdoors. My mood is also strongly affected by the environment and the weather. (I probably have undiagnosed SAD, but how could you not?)

4. Concerts, Live Theatre, Performances--If we made more money we would be more frequent patrons of the arts, but as it is I think we do pretty well. Last week we took J to his first symphony, one geared towards kids, which he loved. In high school, I went on the Stratford trip, where we traveled to (ahem) Stratford-on-Avon, Canada for the annual Shakespeare Festival. That was a really amazing experience. A couple of my favorite concerts are U2 and David Gray.

5. Traveling--I've taken some great trips around the country, the highlights being a) honeymoon to Bar Harbor, Maine, home of Acadia National Park; b) a year into our marriage, C and I trekked across the country to the Southwest in a little stick shift Saturn--these were some amazing adventures, one of which was my profound desire to knock C over the edge of the Grand Canyon once we finally got there; and c) a high school road trip with my best friend, her brother and her uncle traveling throughout New England and into the amazing cities of Montreal and Toronto.

6. Music--All kinds. Lately, my favorite musical interests are J's. He's BIG on singing, making up songs, dancing, playing instruments and asking who we're listening to on the radio. I think he has some kind of music lessons in his future, which makes me very excited and happy, as I have no musical talents whatsoever!

7. Writing--A favorite past-time that's taken a back seat lately. The entries in the pregnancy journal are much shorter this time around! But, any kind of writing makes me happy, especially blogging and letter writing. And, the extra happy bonus about letter writing is getting mail in return!

8. Good Food--I'm just gonna be totally honest here: food makes me happy! Pregnant or not, I like good food!

9. Photography--I could probably add "wanna-be photographer" to my blog header. I'm not sure exactly how good I'd be at it, but it is something I enjoy. And, I can appreciate the qualities of good photography. Looking at photos makes me really happy. We have so many albums around the house that I often pick one up and flip through, however quickly, just for that warm fuzzy reminiscent feeling I get.

10. Friends--Last but not least, my friends make me happy. I hope you all know that! Whether you are close personal friends, blogger friends, Twitter friends, you all add happiness to my life. With that, I'll tag a few friends with this "Sweet Friend" award and encourage you to blog your own 10 things:

Jenny of Write the Journey

Cheryl of Herland Notebook

Amanda of Made in a Treehouse

Three {3}

"A man and a woman had a little baby.

Yes, they did.

They had three in the family.

And that's a magic number."

Today J is 3!

Three years have passed since C's and my marriage grew into a family. A threesome. We've had three wonderful years as a trio. Soon, we'll be a foursome. I cannot even imagine how the joy and love will compound in us then, but I'm thrilled and anxious to find out.

~~~

{I celebrated my guy's special day by arranging the trio of J's photos, taken by Jessi of Everyday Studios. I love how his eyes and his smiles brighten our sunny kitchen even more.}

{Song lyrics: "Three is a Magic Number"; Schoolhouse Rock. C and I have always loved the cover by Blind Melon.}

Books NOT Read...

So, bed rest has given me a slight opportunity to catch up on some starred Twitter posts and blog posts. @bostonbibliophl recently tweeted a post that caught my eye--What books have you NOT read this year? Despite our best intentions, despite the hype and great recommendations that many books get, I think we all end the year not having read a book or two that we thought we would. And, as someone who loves to gift books, what a great way to get some gift ideas. Check out the discussion she generated at her blog, Boston Bibliophile.

It struck me that this year-end topic could be adapted to a little meme, and with a to-read list as long as mine I've definitely got some material! I'm going to focus my list on books I did not read just for lack of time. These aren't books I've changed my mind about or books I started and didn't finish. I do hope to get to them next year!

First up, and probably the most popular response on @bostonbibliophl's post is:

The Help by Kathryn Stockett

A few others:

Let the Great World Spin by Colum McCann Little Giant of Aberdeen County by Tiffany Baker The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson Her Fearful Symmetry by Audrey Niffenegger

And, for readers young and old, The Evolution of Calpurnia Tate by Jacqueline Kelly

Please share your Have-Reads and Have-Not-Reads!

Hello?

What a crazy unplanned hiatus! I wonder if I have any readers left out there anymore, or if you've all given up on me! I can certainly understand if so.

Not that any of you are interested in excuses, but I am juggling my second pregnancy (which currently has me on bedrest), an incredibly active toddler-going-on-preschooler, and three part-time jobs.

Blogging just hasn't fit into the equation lately. I'm hopeful that it will work its way back in at some point. I think I'm just lacking the time to follow-up or reflect on any bits of inspiration. Until you hit a wall, you don't often realize how much energy and creativity it takes to write and blog, you know?

But, I do miss it, which I guess is an important (and hopeful) piece. I miss reading comments and posting comments too. So, I'll try to get back out there, and would love to see some comments from anyone who's still around. Maybe you'll help spark the idea for my next post and get me back in the groove.

The sooner the better too--I hope my bedrest won't last forever, but would love to make good use of it! ;)

Masha Hamilton discussion AND GIVEAWAY!

I'm thrilled to announce that we're being treated to a stop on a special blog tour celebrating the new book from Masha Hamilton, 31 Hours! She's teamed up with her publisher, Unbridled Books, asking bloggers to publish one of her essays and host a blog discussion. Read on... and please participate!

Masha Hamilton is an accomplished author, spent years as a foreign correspondent, and is a major advocate for world literacy programs. (Check out her Afghan Women's Writing Project!)

One of her books, The Camel Bookmobile, had been on my to-read list for quite some time and I was just able to read it last week. It's a beautiful work of fiction, inspired by time Hamilton and her daughter spent in Kenya observing the workings and challenges of a mobile library.

Hamilton's newest book was just released last Tuesday, 9/8/09. Entitled 31 Hours, it looks to be a tense and heart-wrenching tale.

In the middle of the night in New York City, a woman jolts awake, realizing she hasn’t heard from her 21-year-old son in weeks, and knowing beyond doubt that something is wrong.

What we know is that the young man, Jonas, is isolated in the shadow of the Brooklyn Bridge, pondering his recent conversion to Islam and the training he received last year in Pakistan. Alone now, cut off from all dissuasion, Jonas is listening to the passing subways and preparing himself for the once unthinkable action he has been instructed to undertake in exactly 31 hours…

The following essay is the perfect introduction to the novel and one of its central themes. I hope you'll join me in reading it and discussing it here. To further entice you, I'm planning a giveaway related to this post later in the week!

Parenting the Nearly-Grown

by Masha Hamilton

“Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book.” Roman philosopher and orator Marcus Tullius Cicero, 106-43 B.C.

Not long after the second of my three children was born, I sat at the kitchen table late one evening talking to my dad about parental responsibility. It’s a big topic and we were covering lots of philosophical ground, but what I remember most is my pronouncement that my primary job could be boiled down quite simply and starkly: I had to keep safe these beings released into my charge. I needed to keep them alive.

These were the musings of a new parent, of course. The circumstances, too, should be considered; the first child had been born in Jerusalem during the intefadeh, and the second was born as I was reporting from Moscow during the collapse of Communism. In both situations, I repeatedly came face-to-face with life’s fragility.

But even in calmer times, even after the birth of my third child, I never lost the feeling that my main duty was to pass them on into adulthood as unscathed as possible, as healthy in every way as they could be.

It sounds pretty simple, on the face of it. We perform many jobs as parents: nurturers, playmates, cheerleaders, short-order cooks, nurses, disciplinarians, detectives, spiritual leaders. Keeping them safe should not be the hardest, not with the help of baby monitors, plastic devices to cover electrical outlets, pads for sharp corners, child-proof medicine bottles, the list goes on.

And in fact, we passed through well, with just the usual rounds of stitches, one violent dog attack, a rabies scare and a few months when my youngest fell so often and got so many bumps on his forehead that my husband and I joked someone was surely going to call child services on us.

Now, though, my youngest is 14, and as they’ve grown, I recognize my job has been transformed. It is to give them trust and space so they can develop confidence in their ability to make their own lives. And yet the two oldest, at ages 19 and 20, are in a period of time that seems almost like a parentheses in their lives. They are certainly not children, but nor are they quite adults. Meanwhile, I say and think all the usual things parents have been saying and thinking since—well, perhaps ever since Cicero, whose words I keep taped to my office wall: it’s rougher out there than it was in my time. More chaotic. More violent. More dangerous.

And everyone is writing a book.

It was, in fact, into my latest novel, 31 Hours, that I channeled my fears. Among other things, the novel offered a chance to explore what it means to be the parent of someone on the cusp of adulthood but not yet there. The mother in 31 Hours, Carol, is strong and independent, free of empty nest syndrome, but her maternal intuition is strong and she’s concerned about her 21-year-old son’s growing emotional distance, the way he seems tense and depressed. Her fears are amorphous and hard to convey; nevertheless, as she lies awake in the dark, she decides to trust the hunch that something is wrong, and to spend the next day trying to track her son Jonas down and “mother him until he shrugs her off.”

There are many themes in the novel, but one question it asks—one pertinent to all parents and one I’m still trying to answer for myself—is this: after years of being vigilant and protecting our kids, what should we do—and what are we allowed to do—to keep them safe once they are nearly, but not quite, grown?

~~~~~

photo credit: Briana Orr

they say patience is a virtue

I've been thinking about patience lately. Diary of a New Mom had a great post last week about patience. While reading it, I realized that we parents make patience into a pretty big deal with our kids. We strongly encourage it. We talk to them about sharing and waiting their turn.

But, then the "RIGHT NOW" mindset of young kids sometimes gets us frazzled and we snap, "Would you just be patient and wait a minute?!!"

What a model of patience. And, of course, it's not all the time. There are many times, numerous times every hour, that I am very patient. But, maybe when they say that patience is a virtue, they mean that your patience shouldn't come and go. It should be constant, and in that, lies the virtue. There's an aspiring challenge, right?

Tonight we were running errands as a family and J was cranky at being dragged across the city with the setting sun shining into his eyes. I'll sum it up by saying there was whining involved, a few tears, a high speed chase through a furniture store, and then the paramount patience-tester:

Why? Why Mama? Why Daddy? Why?

Oh, the whys! Not the whys! Or, if the whys, then why not just one why? Why a series of whys with no end in sight? Why do whys build on each other the way a mouse's requests do if you give a mouse a cookie?

So, during the stressed out drive home, C asks me if it's our patience we need to work on or if this is all just normal. He sheepishly asked if it's terrible to use an exasperated tone with a two year-old. Yikes! I don't know!! It can't be, can it? It would be unrealistic to think otherwise, wouldn't it? I mean, sure we shouldn't expect a mountain of patience out of the little guy. But, does that mean that the burden falls completely on us, or is this one of those gray areas... a phase that we have to endure for the time being (as best and as patiently as we can)?

I read somewhere recently that the phrase "multi-tasking" was only just born in the last 10-15 years. It seems that concept, just that word, is sabotaging people's patience levels. We don't have the patience to work on one thing at a time. And, when you stop and think about it, isn't it during those multi-tasking times that you become such an easy target to crack? One too many whys and you flip. (Check out this NPR story that says you just might not be as good a multi-tasker as you think you are.)

So, not only is it my goal to work on my patience level, but to also unmulti-task as much as I can, especially when I'm playing with or caring for J. Having my mind and attention cluttered with one less thing might just give me the energy and insight to deal with one more round of whys. And that's something I'm not even going to question!

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painting!

If he could, I think J would LOVE to reenact the story of I Ain't Gonna Paint No More! He's been painting up a storm during the last few weeks, a real flurry of watercolor artwork that in the past he hadn't been so interested in. I'm content to watch him mix colors and experiment with the different brushes...

but, he prefers Daddy and me not to be just bystanders. Which is fun, but I am not much of an illustrator. Rainbows and flowers and shapes and then I'm pretty much out of material. C is good, though. He makes these cute cartoon-y characters and animals.

I think J's watercolors look so pretty, almost like suncatchers, hanging on our sliding glass door.

C and J dove right in when I suggested we try the salty watercolor project I saw on The Artful Parent. It was very cool!

J's creation:

And, C's creation:

And, now for a confession. Am I a bad mother because just this week I *allowed* J to finger paint for the first time? He's 2 and a half! How could I have denied him this classic toddlerhood fun all this time?! Well, I just expected it to be such an ordeal. Long, involved set-up. A big mess. Paint flying onto the walls and into my hair and onto the dog. A big cleanup. A bath. Another load of laundry.

But...(oh, you knew it was coming)

It was FUN! At one point, J stopped, looked over at me and said, "Isn't this crazy?! No brushes!!!" The poor guy. Look what he's been missing. I did cheat a little and had J use his watercolor paint set. We didn't go all out with the big bottles of tempera I have downstairs. I had to ease into this, mamas!

Anyone else want to enlighten us with some fun easy kiddo crafts? Or, do you have a crafty confession--something you've not yet attempted with your kids even though you know they'd probably love it? Don't worry--no judgement! Maybe just some encouragement.

gardens, forgotten and secret

Did any young girl not enjoy reading The Secret Garden at least once during her childhood?

It was required reading in my 4th grade class, and for some reason my parents bought me my own copy of the book. (Although avid readers and frequent library users, my parents didn't often purchase books.) I've treasured it and still have it on my bookcase at home.

Last week I finished reading Kate Morton's The Forgotten Garden and was reminded of the beauty, excitement, and escape I experienced when reading The Secret Garden. Morton's story is beautiful and imaginative; the characters and the setting inhabited my thoughts constantly; and I really hated to part with it, even though its mysteriousness made it quite a page-turner.

The Forgotten Garden is a generational saga that spans the life of its main character, Nell, a girl who at the age of 4 was abandoned on a ship leaving England for Australia. On her eighteenth birthday, her "father", overcome with guilt at having kept her true identity secret all this time, tells Nell the truth. She is never the same. Over the course of her adult life, she delves into discovering who she is, and although she makes significant progress, discovering her true identity is a task left to her granddaughter, Cassandra, upon Nell's death.

As the chapters weave in and out of the present day, readers are transported with Nell and Cassandra to the brooding, almost cursed, Blackhurst Manor and the secrets of the Blackhurst family--and their impact on Nell's personal history--are slowly revealed.

It's clear that Frances Hogsdon Burnett's The Secret Garden was an inspiration to Morton in the creation of this story. (Burnett is even given a cameo appearance in the novel at a garden party.) I'm looking forward to rereading The Secret Garden here very soon.

The only thing that could make reading either of these stories even more enjoyable is having the option to read while lounging in a forgotten or secret garden of your discovery.

theme songs

Isn't it amazing the way that hearing a song can sometimes take you back to a particular time or place, and you get that eerie deja vu feeling passing over you real quick? I love that. Certain scents do that to me too.

This summer I put together a mix CD for our vacation drive up to Presque Isle. I used to be absolutely crazy for mix tapes, and I guess I'm not completely over them yet. In high school, my friends and I made them for each other all the time.

This CD was mostly current stuff that C and I are into right now: Adele, Beck, Feist, Kings of Leon, to name a few. (By the way, if you've not heard Adele, she's got an incredible voice and sings with such a sense of worldliness and experience for only being 19... my favorite track is "Cold Shoulder".)

So, for old times sake, I decided to throw in a couple favorite classics of ours, and wouldn't you know, J completely dug them and requests them every time we're in the car!

The first throwback on our vacation mix was Michael Penn's "No Myth". It was so cool when C and I randomly figured out that it was one of both of our favorites from the 80s/early 90s. Now I think we like it even more because of J's big grin when it comes on as he says, "Is this 'No Miff'?"

The other one is a little embarrassing. One that my dad used to sing a lot when we were kids and we just thought it was crazy nonsense. As a teen, I realized it was a real song when a friend had it on a mix tape. Harry Nilsson's "Coconut". I know, it's crazy!! But, let me tell ya, what's really crazy is when J is playing independently and he thinks no one is watching and he starts to sing:

put the lime in the coconut...
drink it all up...
then say, Doc-tah!!! (and he mimes holding a phone up to his ear)

Needless to say, my dad is mighty proud. I told him the other day that J got his funny genes from him. "Fine by me", he said with a wink.

Over the last year, we've really noticed that J seems particularly drawn to music. He'll stop what he's doing if he hears an interesting song on the radio or a tv commercial. He loves all instruments. He sings constantly as he plays, and also turns just about anything into an instrument.

I think we'd be crazy not to foster J's musical inclinations. No pressure or anything, but just get him exposed to lots of types and encourage him to be creative and have fun with it. I registered the two of us for Music Together, and I'm really excited to start classes in a couple of weeks. Their premise is right up our alley:

Music Together classes are based on the recognition that all children are musical. All children can learn to sing in tune, keep a beat, and participate with confidence in the music of our culture, provided that their early environment supports such learning.

What songs are stuck in your heads these days?